How's your relationship?

Being in a relationship is never easy and has to be worked at by both parties involved. With todays pressures of mortgage payments, careers, kids, schools, etc lots of us take our partner for granted. Maybe we should stop for a while and analyze our relationships and try and put ourselves in our partner's shoes for a few moments. Maybe a disaster can be avoided.

I have just been reading an article in the British Press about how 6 out of 10 couples are unhappy with their relationship. They say that there is no time for each other, sex life is terrible, they don't talk and spontaneity has completely disappeared. I would be interested to know, how many of you out there feel the same - or not, what you do to keep the flame alive, and your points of view on relationships.

Infidelity

Hmmmmm, the press seems full of men confessing their infidelities. Recently we have had Tigger Woods, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Mark Owen, Jesse James and now David Boreanaz all confessing their sins. Now should we be asking ourselves if this is normal? I have always believed that men are not monogamous, in fact a woman I worked with for a long time believes they are not. Obviously there are men that are. But as someone else pointed out if you are good looking and famous you have women throwing themselves at you all the time, and it's pretty much par for the course that "the flesh is weak" and at some moment something is going to give.

Let's face it, infidelity is nothing new!

I know a doctor specialized in nutrition and anti aging, and when I explained how difficult it was to resist a plate of chocolates stuck under my nose by my husband, he said that was normal. There is a part of our brain that has not evolved along with the rest. That part is still back in the dark ages and that bit deals with escape, survival and reproduction. So if someone sticks something deliciously tasty under your nose your survival instinct says "EAT".

He also explained how many years ago he had a Danish girlfriend who was very jealous and once said to him, "What would you do if when away at a conference a beautiful female doctor knocked on your hotel room door late one evening wearing nothing but a sexy negligee?" He answered, "Well sleep with her of course!" this is the reproduction side of the brain screaming to be taken into consideration.

This does not mean I am condoning any of the aforementioned males' behavior, I also believe in the sanctity of marriage and if you get married for all the right reasons then your vows should be upheld. But maybe we should ask ourselves if it is realistic?

I was talking to another female friend over dinner one night. She is a very jealous person by nature and her husband travels a lot for his work and she often wonders what he gets up to while away. She asked me if I would want to know if my husband had been unfaithful to me if she found out about it (her husband and mine are very close friends). This is a question I have no answer for. I guess the first instinct is to say well yes of course! But, and this is a mighty big BUT, what would come of it.

In my opinion I GUESS if it was a one night fling never to be seen again I could live without knowing, but I also GUESS, that if my husband was actually having a relationship with another woman he had strong feelings for, then that would change my answer.

To this day I am happily married, my husband also travels a lot for his work, and due to the nature of his work and in some countries he is a "prize catch" and I have often seen women throwing themselves at him. To this day I have no reason to believe or suspect he has ever been unfaithful to me, however, I am no innocent enough to think it hasn't or couldn't happen.

How much of those infidelities are the women involved to blame for. We always hear about the cheating husbands, but what of the women gleefully going for a married man. In the case of the famous unfaithful, all the women would have known in advance that the man they were being seduced by or trying to seduce was married. Whoever initiated the seduction is irrelevant, the "mistress" could have said, "bog off your married and I'm not doing that to a fellow female - find someone else!"

I think the women involved are as much to blame as the men.

When I got was a single mother, divorced from my first husband I met lots of different men. Some were married, it was not something I wanted to get involved with. Where as I could have said, "Well hey, I'm not looking for a partner I just want to have great sex, and a married man is perfect for that - there's no chance of settling down!" But as I said before, I believe in the sanctity of marriage and sleeping with a married man was not something I was willing to do, however attractive!

But women are not always innocent bystanders, or wall flowers waiting to be seduced by the big bad wolf. Lots of them are just as willing to get involved with a married man as he is. So I ask you to consider who really is to blame? My opinion is they both are.

There are always exceptions of course. Men who aren't famous and can easily pull the wool over a woman's eyes do lie and aren't honest about themselves. Many women have been fooled into believing the handsome man they have just met is free and single and is really telling the truth about his feelings.

I think that honesty goes a long way and whereas "the truth hurts" it hurts a lot less than all the lies when you find out about them. So, everyone out there, be true - to yourselves and your loved ones, be honest.

Should one just sit around?

Ok, I probably shouldn't be writing this - not now anyway. It's almost 2am and I am alone. Married with 2 kids and feeling lonely. Life has a funny way of changing. Things hardly ever work out the way you think they are going to. There are times in your life when you have a great friendship and you can never imagine that friendship ever ending or simply changing. But life changes all the time and quite often so do friendships.

So many people I knew and believed were my closest friends and really helped me when I was a single mother and battling my ex-husband in court. Suddenly when life got better, I met my current husband, fell madly in-love and got married, lots of them disappeared. People who knew every aspect of my life and that I cherished suddenly didn't return my calls. Does that classify me as a charity case? Someone they felt sorry for and thought they had to help and then when things got better for me and I was happy, they no longer felt they could include me in their circle of friends? Why does this happen?

Having said that, the ones that have stayed around and continue to be friends, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are true friends, even if I can count them all on one hand and still not use all my fingers! To them, I send my most sincere and heartfelt thanks. Thanks for being there in the bad times and the good times.

Giving up my job has cut me off from a lot of opportunities to maintain friendships and make new ones. My husband's job means he is away a lot and I am therefore, on my own. Most of my friends are married with children, and the possibility of a girls night out for dinner and a good conversation, just isn't on the cards.

Now, my dilemma is, should I just sit around waiting for my husband to come home? Should I just do what is expected of me, stay home, look after the children and be bored brainless? My husband has a wonderful social job in which he gets to meet loads of interesting and fun people, I have come to envy him. I would love to be able to enjoy myself too when he is away and not just have to cope with reading of his activities on twitter or from telephone conversations with him? I try hard to smile down the phone and feel happy for that even though he is far from home, and I know he misses us, but he cannot deny he has lots of fun. I do find it hard as I would love to be there by his side enjoying it all with him.

I feel left out.

I always said I did not want to be stuck at home, and here I am. Stuck.

I am not talking about going out to clubs and dancing until dawn. Just some fun and witty conversation over a decent meal every now and again would be just fine. I have done things such as joined a Pilates group where all the other women in the class were housewives with husbands and kids too, no one socialized outside of the class beyond a coffee afterwards. I joined a gym before the Pilates class where no one talked to anyone unless they were friends and had signed up together. What is it with people? Why are people becoming so anti social? If you try striking up a conversation with someone on the treadmill next to you they look at you as if you've gone crazy and plug their headphones in!

Inspiration PLEASE! I need to make minor changes in my life!

Other people's children

You know, this is probably going to sound really, really sad, but I challenge anyone out there who has had to cope with stepchildren to say it was plain sailing from the beginning.

I have always said that when you meet someone in your late 30s both of you are going to have baggage. In my case, my wonderful man came with a daughter and a son both from two different women. We'll call her Jenny and him John just for the hell of it. Jenny was 18 when we met and John was just a year and a half. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship who was about 6 at the time, we'll call her Susie.

However, being crazy in love with him (Tom) I believed that we would all live happily ever after and that our love would be capable of conquering any problems in our way!

I wasn't totally wrong, but it has certainly been an very uphill struggle, and still is.

It's not as easy as I had originally thought. Leaving Jenny and her problems to one side for the moment (and believe me they have been far more serious than John's), strangely enough my biggest problem is with John. John who was such a sweet baby has turned into a child I find difficult to cope with. In fact, I dread the weekends he's with us and to be honest he's not that bad.

You see, John is nearly 5 and as 5 year olds go, he is very strange - but it isn't his fault. How can you blame a 5 year old for living in a fantasy world or the fact that he doesn't know the difference between a t-shirt and a jumper? If any blame is to be dished out, it's on his mother. Unfortunately for John, his father works and travels constantly. Which means he spends much more time with his mother and when he comes to visit, our world is so radically different from the one his mother has created for him that he is totally lost and out of sync. This makes me feel very sorry for him, however, at the same time he drives me nuts!

I am a fairly strict mother when it comes down to manners and behavior, I have two children, one of my own and one with John's father, now what I can't do is have one set of rules for my kids and no rules at all for John.

Yes, that is the way his mother is bringing him up. No rules, no limits, no responsibilities. In his mother's world, he is the center of attention and she does absolutely everything for him. He never needs to ask for a glass of water as she is always there offering it before he asks. He knows how to feed himself but doesn't because she does it for him. He doesn't ever have to think about what to play, as she is there suggesting things constantly.

At our house, he is one of the family. Expected to join in the family plans, eat by himself, dress himself (obviously with help of what to wear), at times, play by himself as well as playing with his siblings.

But is it really realistic to ask a 5 year old to manage such radically different environments? Kids are very resilient but they may need help to adjust.

Happily, for me at least and I hope for John, his parents have finally decided to get help and therefore help John. The psychologist will work separately with each of the parents so that the way they react towards John changes so that he will become more centered and happier and, I hope, easier to cope with.

Jenny we will get to at a later date!