How's your relationship?

Being in a relationship is never easy and has to be worked at by both parties involved. With todays pressures of mortgage payments, careers, kids, schools, etc lots of us take our partner for granted. Maybe we should stop for a while and analyze our relationships and try and put ourselves in our partner's shoes for a few moments. Maybe a disaster can be avoided.

I have just been reading an article in the British Press about how 6 out of 10 couples are unhappy with their relationship. They say that there is no time for each other, sex life is terrible, they don't talk and spontaneity has completely disappeared. I would be interested to know, how many of you out there feel the same - or not, what you do to keep the flame alive, and your points of view on relationships.

Coping with the past.

Does anyone out there have any advice for coping with the past. I shall explain. As I said in a previous post, when you meet someone in your mid thirties, both of you have "baggage" that baggage being all you have lived previously to meeting that wonderful person you me at thirty-something. Your pasts make you both what you are today. It all adds up and contributes to making you that wonderful person he/she fell in love with. But, as in my case, sometimes that other person's past is still very present.

My husband had three very important relationships before meeting me. One when he was very young and produced his eldest daughter Jenny, another one which lasted for 10 years - no children but they did bring a company into this world and they are still partners in that company and work together on a daily basis. His third relationship produced John, and John's mother also works for him at the company he created. So as you can see, his past is still very present. In fact, his partner (ex girlfriend number 2) is his best friend and also godmother to our son (this was decided unanimously by him). Every time number 2 asks him for a favor he doesn't think twice before saying yes.

Her favors are also extremely expensive. When she moved into her new apartment with her current boyfriend she commented on how much she liked one of our sofas (paid for by me and cost $4000), he GAVE it to her. Didn't even ask me if I agreed. The last favor was to borrow MY car for the weekend to go house hunting! They brought it back with no gas in it.

How do I cope with this? I do agree with helping people, especially when they need it, but she doesn't. Both she and her boyfriend earn vast fortunes and are not in need in the slightest. Also, no favors are ever returned. It is completely one sided.

What do I do? How do I cope with this?

Other people's children

You know, this is probably going to sound really, really sad, but I challenge anyone out there who has had to cope with stepchildren to say it was plain sailing from the beginning.

I have always said that when you meet someone in your late 30s both of you are going to have baggage. In my case, my wonderful man came with a daughter and a son both from two different women. We'll call her Jenny and him John just for the hell of it. Jenny was 18 when we met and John was just a year and a half. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship who was about 6 at the time, we'll call her Susie.

However, being crazy in love with him (Tom) I believed that we would all live happily ever after and that our love would be capable of conquering any problems in our way!

I wasn't totally wrong, but it has certainly been an very uphill struggle, and still is.

It's not as easy as I had originally thought. Leaving Jenny and her problems to one side for the moment (and believe me they have been far more serious than John's), strangely enough my biggest problem is with John. John who was such a sweet baby has turned into a child I find difficult to cope with. In fact, I dread the weekends he's with us and to be honest he's not that bad.

You see, John is nearly 5 and as 5 year olds go, he is very strange - but it isn't his fault. How can you blame a 5 year old for living in a fantasy world or the fact that he doesn't know the difference between a t-shirt and a jumper? If any blame is to be dished out, it's on his mother. Unfortunately for John, his father works and travels constantly. Which means he spends much more time with his mother and when he comes to visit, our world is so radically different from the one his mother has created for him that he is totally lost and out of sync. This makes me feel very sorry for him, however, at the same time he drives me nuts!

I am a fairly strict mother when it comes down to manners and behavior, I have two children, one of my own and one with John's father, now what I can't do is have one set of rules for my kids and no rules at all for John.

Yes, that is the way his mother is bringing him up. No rules, no limits, no responsibilities. In his mother's world, he is the center of attention and she does absolutely everything for him. He never needs to ask for a glass of water as she is always there offering it before he asks. He knows how to feed himself but doesn't because she does it for him. He doesn't ever have to think about what to play, as she is there suggesting things constantly.

At our house, he is one of the family. Expected to join in the family plans, eat by himself, dress himself (obviously with help of what to wear), at times, play by himself as well as playing with his siblings.

But is it really realistic to ask a 5 year old to manage such radically different environments? Kids are very resilient but they may need help to adjust.

Happily, for me at least and I hope for John, his parents have finally decided to get help and therefore help John. The psychologist will work separately with each of the parents so that the way they react towards John changes so that he will become more centered and happier and, I hope, easier to cope with.

Jenny we will get to at a later date!