You know, this is probably going to sound really, really sad, but I challenge anyone out there who has had to cope with stepchildren to say it was plain sailing from the beginning.
I have always said that when you meet someone in your late 30s both of you are going to have baggage. In my case, my wonderful man came with a daughter and a son both from two different women. We'll call her Jenny and him John just for the hell of it. Jenny was 18 when we met and John was just a year and a half. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship who was about 6 at the time, we'll call her Susie.
However, being crazy in love with him (Tom) I believed that we would all live happily ever after and that our love would be capable of conquering any problems in our way!
I wasn't totally wrong, but it has certainly been an very uphill struggle, and still is.
It's not as easy as I had originally thought. Leaving Jenny and her problems to one side for the moment (and believe me they have been far more serious than John's), strangely enough my biggest problem is with John. John who was such a sweet baby has turned into a child I find difficult to cope with. In fact, I dread the weekends he's with us and to be honest he's not that bad.
You see, John is nearly 5 and as 5 year olds go, he is very strange - but it isn't his fault. How can you blame a 5 year old for living in a fantasy world or the fact that he doesn't know the difference between a t-shirt and a jumper? If any blame is to be dished out, it's on his mother. Unfortunately for John, his father works and travels constantly. Which means he spends much more time with his mother and when he comes to visit, our world is so radically different from the one his mother has created for him that he is totally lost and out of sync. This makes me feel very sorry for him, however, at the same time he drives me nuts!
I am a fairly strict mother when it comes down to manners and behavior, I have two children, one of my own and one with John's father, now what I can't do is have one set of rules for my kids and no rules at all for John.
Yes, that is the way his mother is bringing him up. No rules, no limits, no responsibilities. In his mother's world, he is the center of attention and she does absolutely everything for him. He never needs to ask for a glass of water as she is always there offering it before he asks. He knows how to feed himself but doesn't because she does it for him. He doesn't ever have to think about what to play, as she is there suggesting things constantly.
At our house, he is one of the family. Expected to join in the family plans, eat by himself, dress himself (obviously with help of what to wear), at times, play by himself as well as playing with his siblings.
But is it really realistic to ask a 5 year old to manage such radically different environments? Kids are very resilient but they may need help to adjust.
Happily, for me at least and I hope for John, his parents have finally decided to get help and therefore help John. The psychologist will work separately with each of the parents so that the way they react towards John changes so that he will become more centered and happier and, I hope, easier to cope with.
Jenny we will get to at a later date!
