Being 40 Something

I have a life I can not complain about. I have a wonderful and loving husband, two beautiful kids and a very comfortable life. It hasn't always been that way. In fact, it used to be a totally different story.

My first husband... let's not talk about him :)

By the time I met my second and truly wonderful husband, I was in my mid thirties. Having worked all my life and spent most of it as a single mother too, I was suddenly presented with the opportunity to take my foot off the accelerator for a while. I used to be a secretary, so definitely not a high-flying ambitious business woman juggling meetings, trips and children, just little me earning a decent wage and making ends meet. My husband and I agreed that I needed some time off and my company was reducing its employees so I decided to volunteer to leave. They were very good to me and I got a really good settlement. I decided to take several months off before hunting for another job.

I was quite stressed out and decided to focus on my daughter and my new husband and myself for a while. However, during my time off I became pregnant with my son, so I decided to enjoy my pregnancy without the pressure of work, then my son was born and how could I possibly go back to work with a tiny baby at home? So, there you have it, 3 and a half years later I work part time from home and find myself basically - well, lost.

Are our lives really so defined by our jobs? My husband's is - but then it's his company, if he doesn't work it no one else will!

When I stopped working I thought, wow, life's great no pressure to get to work by a certain time, no boss standing over me, no rush hour traffic. And it is great for a while and then the grey matter kicks in from lack of stimuli and I find myself wondering if I should at least try and go back to work on a full-time basis? There are over 400,000 unemployed in this country so there must be secretaries by the dozen looking for jobs, and then there are the kids, and my husband who would love me to travel with him as often as possible.

I admit that it isn't out of monetary need. It is a case of having a purpose and direction in life, something that is mine, where I am me and not belonging to the kids! Yes children often feel their parents belong to them and are there to do everything for them and when they want it. But to be honest, I need something for me.

I recently turned 40 and suddenly started questioning lots of things in my life. One of them is the direction I am going in. I would love to have something to do that is mine, that enthuses me and gives me satisfaction. With all the opportunities for communication that we have nowadays at our fingertips, I would love to be able to put those opportunities to good use.

I started this blog as an experiment and so far I feel it is a total flop. I don't know if anyone has even read it and no one has ever left a comment. It would be nice to know, so if there is anyone out there reading this and find something akin in it to their own feelings, then please, let me know - it would be lovely.

Spring

Spring has finally arrived. For me, this tends to bring about new beginnings and new mindset. I tend to think of this as the beginning of a new year not January. When flowers begin to blossom and the trees have new bright green shoots on them, I feel renewed! Even if it does mean coping with my allergies.

It also means thinking about the summer and clothes that reveal all the excesses of the winter. Yes it is that time of year again - OPERATION BIKINI! Time to lose those extra pounds and tone up for the summer. So, it's time to think hard about an easy diet - easy to follow and easy to stick to but with good results. As I have written before, food combining is an easy option, it gets the job done but you can EAT. Enjoy your food, it will be better for you.

Coping with the past.

Does anyone out there have any advice for coping with the past. I shall explain. As I said in a previous post, when you meet someone in your mid thirties, both of you have "baggage" that baggage being all you have lived previously to meeting that wonderful person you me at thirty-something. Your pasts make you both what you are today. It all adds up and contributes to making you that wonderful person he/she fell in love with. But, as in my case, sometimes that other person's past is still very present.

My husband had three very important relationships before meeting me. One when he was very young and produced his eldest daughter Jenny, another one which lasted for 10 years - no children but they did bring a company into this world and they are still partners in that company and work together on a daily basis. His third relationship produced John, and John's mother also works for him at the company he created. So as you can see, his past is still very present. In fact, his partner (ex girlfriend number 2) is his best friend and also godmother to our son (this was decided unanimously by him). Every time number 2 asks him for a favor he doesn't think twice before saying yes.

Her favors are also extremely expensive. When she moved into her new apartment with her current boyfriend she commented on how much she liked one of our sofas (paid for by me and cost $4000), he GAVE it to her. Didn't even ask me if I agreed. The last favor was to borrow MY car for the weekend to go house hunting! They brought it back with no gas in it.

How do I cope with this? I do agree with helping people, especially when they need it, but she doesn't. Both she and her boyfriend earn vast fortunes and are not in need in the slightest. Also, no favors are ever returned. It is completely one sided.

What do I do? How do I cope with this?

Easter holidays with the kids

Don't know what to do with the kids over the holidays? One thing that children love is cooking, it can also work to your advantage. Get the kids into the kitchen with you, it keeps them entertained and they can give you a hand at the same time. It is also a great way to teach children about food and healthy eating. If they get to know the different ingredients and learn how to use them and create a meal you can all sit down and eat together, gives them a great sense of achievement and is also very educational.

Depending on their ages you can do anything from cookies and cakes to a whole lunch or dinner!

Cookies are great for getting the feel of the dough. You can do fairy cakes and get them to decorate them with different colored icing. Easy savory food goes from cheese straws to Shepherd's Pie. Get them making their own pizzas or fancy sandwiches.

It's also a good idea to get them to clean up too! That way they can learn to do the washing up and put things away as they go, always a good help for you too!

Oh no! What do I feed the kids for dinner tonight?

We've all had this screaming in our heads on many an occasion. Those hungry, tired and irritable children at the end of the school day, not to mention the hungry, tired and irritable mother trying to tidy the house or rush in from after school activities and have to conjure up an nutritious meal in minutes.

Well with the risk of sounding... well annoying, here is a piece of advice that, however annoying, actually works.

MAKE EXTRA AND FREEZE IT!

Yes those are words of wisdom. Become the Tupperware queen. When you do have a day where you are more

relaxed, or if you are making lunch on a saturday, make extra and freeze it. That way you can have nutritious, homemade food to fall back on on those days when you're behind or have forgotten to do something about dinner. Yes, pizza is a quick and easy substitute, but a good mince dish freezes well and all you have to do is add a bit of mashed potato and hey

presto there you go! Dinner on the table. You can even defrost it in the microwave or directly over a low heat while the potatoes are cooking.

Fish pie is another good one for freezing. However, I tend to freeze the main part of these dishes without the mashed potato as, personally, I don't like reheated mashed potato! Also, to both these dishes you can add all the veg you like, either included during cooking or added as a side dish at the time of serving.

Other good recipes for freezing are:

Meatballs

Meatloaf

Homemade potato fish cakes

Croquets

Spaghetti sauce

chicken casserole

Beef Stew

Life's little problems

Ok, life has been pretty tough for the past year, lots of things going on and I have been affected by them all from the fallout. I have an incredibly intelligent husband and he has his own company and even in this time of crisis, his company is in expansion and doing really well. This is great! However it generally means he's traveling all the time and that means I get stuck at home with the kids - not fun. Living with "god" is not an easy thing to do - it is all about him. So how many other women out there have the same problem?

Woman are extremely resilient and resourceful. Men have been allowed, for as long as most of us can remember, to just get on with bringing the money in. Woman, as we all know, in the majority of cases have to hold down a full-time job, run the house, look after the children and be a loving and supportive wife.

When I met my husband I was lucky enough to be able to stop working. However, in his absences due to his hectic schedule, I have started working again. I am luckier than most though, my husband's salary pays for everything and I can work just to keep my brain in tip top condition and earn a bit of extra money for anything that's needed.

Women who are married to self-employed men know that it is an extremely stressful life. The main problem with this kind of job is cash-flow. He knows the money is coming in, what no one knows is when. Being dependent on other bigger corporations to pay up is not a great place to be for peace of mind. They quite often delay in paying the "little guy". I have often been to the supermarket to do the weekly shop and ended up with the cashier telling me my credit card is over the limit - I learnt the hard way to always carry enough cash just in case. As I have pointed out to him on many an occasion, the people we have to pay at the end of the month: credit card companies, house security company, schools, etc do not call him - they call me.

Before meeting my husband, I lived alone with my young daughter, held down a full-time job and paid all the bills - even if that meant I had nothing left over at the end, and now to have to explain to people that we will pay them as soon as possible, just pushes me closer and closer to the edge.

So me being me, meant that I got active. I found "slavery on-line", yes it does exist! Web sites where you can join up (you have to pay a fee to do this) and you can access a list of job offers for sepecific things that need doing. For example, secretarial work, computer programming, PAs, writing and translating, etc all from the comfort of your own home. Why is it slavery? Well you have to bid for the job you want and this means competing against other people all over the world, so the lower your bid the more likely you are to get the job assigned to you. Most of the people on there end up working for a very low wage.

As I pointed out before, I am one of the lucky ones, I do this just to have a little extra when my husband's cash-flow hits a tough patch. Have I thought about going back to full-time employment? All the time, but I really do want to be here for my kids. Before I married, my daughter had to go to early birds school club and after school club so that I could get to work on time. We both got out at the same time, but I had a 40 minute drive back to pick her up. Now, thanks to my hard-working husband I can take my kids to school and be there to pick them up, and funnily enough, that is all they ask for.

Now, if I did choose to go back to work, it would have to be for a really good reason or to a job I loved and that gave added value to my life.

Other people's children

You know, this is probably going to sound really, really sad, but I challenge anyone out there who has had to cope with stepchildren to say it was plain sailing from the beginning.

I have always said that when you meet someone in your late 30s both of you are going to have baggage. In my case, my wonderful man came with a daughter and a son both from two different women. We'll call her Jenny and him John just for the hell of it. Jenny was 18 when we met and John was just a year and a half. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship who was about 6 at the time, we'll call her Susie.

However, being crazy in love with him (Tom) I believed that we would all live happily ever after and that our love would be capable of conquering any problems in our way!

I wasn't totally wrong, but it has certainly been an very uphill struggle, and still is.

It's not as easy as I had originally thought. Leaving Jenny and her problems to one side for the moment (and believe me they have been far more serious than John's), strangely enough my biggest problem is with John. John who was such a sweet baby has turned into a child I find difficult to cope with. In fact, I dread the weekends he's with us and to be honest he's not that bad.

You see, John is nearly 5 and as 5 year olds go, he is very strange - but it isn't his fault. How can you blame a 5 year old for living in a fantasy world or the fact that he doesn't know the difference between a t-shirt and a jumper? If any blame is to be dished out, it's on his mother. Unfortunately for John, his father works and travels constantly. Which means he spends much more time with his mother and when he comes to visit, our world is so radically different from the one his mother has created for him that he is totally lost and out of sync. This makes me feel very sorry for him, however, at the same time he drives me nuts!

I am a fairly strict mother when it comes down to manners and behavior, I have two children, one of my own and one with John's father, now what I can't do is have one set of rules for my kids and no rules at all for John.

Yes, that is the way his mother is bringing him up. No rules, no limits, no responsibilities. In his mother's world, he is the center of attention and she does absolutely everything for him. He never needs to ask for a glass of water as she is always there offering it before he asks. He knows how to feed himself but doesn't because she does it for him. He doesn't ever have to think about what to play, as she is there suggesting things constantly.

At our house, he is one of the family. Expected to join in the family plans, eat by himself, dress himself (obviously with help of what to wear), at times, play by himself as well as playing with his siblings.

But is it really realistic to ask a 5 year old to manage such radically different environments? Kids are very resilient but they may need help to adjust.

Happily, for me at least and I hope for John, his parents have finally decided to get help and therefore help John. The psychologist will work separately with each of the parents so that the way they react towards John changes so that he will become more centered and happier and, I hope, easier to cope with.

Jenny we will get to at a later date!