I find myself, as you will know from this blog, at a problematic time in my life. My inability to actually pull myself together is really beginning to bug me. I feel excluded, as I am sure many people do. I am stuck at home with the kids while my husband is off having loads of fun with his job. And yes, I do know he works very hard, but he loves his job and has a great time while he does it. And yes, he's very considerate and loves me very much. But all I get is the exhausted husband who's too tired to get out of bed when he's home, and too exhausted to be any fun in bed either! There's a shocker for you!
So when I hear about him organizing parties (all in the name of work) and having a great time meeting very interesting people I cannot help myself and feel jealous. We never go to parties when he's home, and wouldn't dream of going out to a club, he's always too tired. So I think, right there is nothing stopping me having a good time while he's away and he certainly wouldn't dream of stopping me having fun, but who with? All my friends are married with kids and work full time, none of them would want to go out and have fun as they are all happy at home with their spouses and offspring. I just don't know anyone who's single and would go out. There is no way I would ever consider going out on my own, I am certainly not looking to meet anyone who might get the wrong idea, and let's face it, it is neither fun or understood to go out on my own.
So what should I do? How can I change my life in order to find the right kind of people to widen my circle of friends with other women who's husbands also travel a lot and they too are bored at home with the kids? I don't necessarily want to go out to clubs and dance the night away, but a nice friendly dinner with intelligent conversation or a trip to the movies or a show would be nice every now and again.
It seems to me that in this age of social networking sites and all the other stuff there is out there, even this blog, gets me absolutely nowhere. No one ever comments on my posts to let me know they agree or disagree with me. My twitter is a total flop. Yes I have fun on Facebook, but all my friends on it live in different countries not just different cities! So as you can see, things are pretty difficult when it comes to socializing. I also live in a residential area where everyone hides behind their fences and no one speaks to anyone else. The only person I have regular contact with who is a neighbor is a woman who used to work for my Dad and lives just up the road! But even she is busy with her elderly mother in a nursing home nearby and her husband in the evenings.
Just to see what would happen, I posted on twitter that I was going off-line for good and thanked all my followers for putting up with my boring posts. The only response I got was from my husband asking me what had happened.
Well what has happened is, I can't really see the point in it. No one answers my posts anyway. And I just feel like I'm having my nose rubbed in it when I get to read all my husband's numerous posts about all the fun he's planning for his next event in Colombia or Mexico.
On top of it all, we will be launching Phase IV of the building work to be done on our house. So not only do I get to be here alone with the kids but I get a house full of Rumanian builders and more dust then anyone can humanly cope with - especially with my allergies.
So yes, I am complaining, I feel as if I don't exist. I feel lonely.
Wow. That's a lot. I feel for you. I feel good that you have this place to put all those things down. And I feel proud of you for being so honest. That's hard to do when you know others read it (especially your husband). But maybe you felt able because you figured no one would read it. I, too, think no one reads my blog. Even my husband said it's boring, after I was boo-hoo-ing someone else's as being too esoteric or haughty. But this is not about blogging. It's about how your life is not what you want it to be. Hmmm . . . that's the tough part. I completely get what you say about "John" in an earlier post. I, too, was raised by parents with no boundaries & my new motto is: Boundaries equal love. If you make strong rules in your house and stick to them, you children will realize that your rules mean that you love them. (Amazing book, by the way, is Kids Are Worth It). And about being home all the time . . . I used to work, then due to economy, etc. I was out of work for more than a year & I broke down. I said to my husband, "You don't value what I do. You don't believe in me." He finally said, "Maybe you don't believe in yourself." He was so right. I had lost my own self worth because even though we know we're supposed to feel valuable as moms, there's something about a job that is so reassuring. Self worth. We can feel valued by someone saying, "Good job! Here's some money for what you did." I have much more to say, but I have to go figure out dinner before my husband gets home. I just went to the store a bought a bunch of stuff. but shopping takes the wind out of my sail, so I have done no preparation. I'd love to continue this conversation. I don't know you, but I feel your pain, and I hear what you're saying! Bravo.
ReplyDeleteHelllooooo! Are you still there?
ReplyDeleteThank you sooooooo much. You don't know how much it means to me to be read and understood. I have to say that this blog is sort of my secret. My husband doesn't know about it and if I told him half the stuff I put in here he would probably have a heart attack. You are so right about not feeling valued when you are a stay at home Mom. I feel as if I have stopped existing and what I do isn't important anymore. I have been talking about that with my husband this weekend. As you say, the frequent "pat on the back" you get from your boss at work from a job well done, the feeling of being valued and necessary... well you just don't get that from a husband or your children. My husband runs his own business which is doing so well, especially if you consider the current economic climate, and I am really pleased for him, but it seems to me that for him - nothing else matters. Nothing is as important as his company. I keep trying to politely and non-agressively remind him that his kids only grow up once and he's missing out on so much!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I recently read a report on how women's happiness and longevity is not based on their family life, children or their husbands or careers, but on the quality time they spend with their "girlfriends". Now that is something to think about :) That, I think, is a real telltale sign that something needs to be understood here! If women get more satisfaction from their friends.... well... maybe there are lots of women out there that feel the same way I do.
I think your husband is also right. We stop valuing ourselves, BUT, it would be nice for us to receive the occasional pat on the back from our husbands, for them to actually admit that they couldn't get on with their careers if us women weren't there behind the scenes coping with EVERYTHING that makes family life happen! So, power to us women, perseverance is the key and if they can't admit it then a kick in the shins is probably in oder!
And in our own little worlds, it's hard to think from their perspective. This may not be the case, but consider the possibility that his business is SO important to him because the success or failure of it is an indication of the success or failure of his ability as a man to take care of his family. (It kinda goes back to the caveman mentality.) I have talked to my husband about the pressures he feels when I'm not working. He feels like, even though he HATES his job, he's tied to it because that's the only thing keeping us in house and home. I have little income that is so sporadic. And we have insurance because of his job . . .
ReplyDeleteI love the idea that you have a secret blog. I sometimes want to put feelings down on "paper," but the idea that he could stumble upon it is so scary. Actually stating my feelings as they are is so liberating if no one can see them. It's not that I'm doing anything I shouldn't be doing, but in some ways, I think being honest, really honest, is so hard because it exposes our own faults. But it's our actions that are most important, right?
And what you say about girlfriend relationships being more important . . . I completely agree. Well, both are necessary and important. But you HAVE to have that outlet and ability to share as only women do. I have a book club that I LOVE. (I love the books, but I love the women more.) I have other friends that I only see every 3 - 6 months, but those people are so important to me. So, get out there! And when we first moved into our neighborhood, I sensed a lack of unity, so I started a google group for neighbors to be able to trade information on their favorite plumber or babysitter. It has morphed into a great sense of community. If you need some fresh basil, you can send out an e-mail and a bunch of neighbors come forward with basil they have in their back yards. We have since made a monthly bunco group. A dumb game, but a great way to get people together who have not figured out their relationships yet and make everyone comfortable. Is there something like this you can do within your neighborhood?
And I'm glad you goot the boost you needed from my initial comment. That gave ME value! Wehew!
My husband is very lucky in that he loves what he does. Its his baby - he created his company and it is going great. I am so grateful for that. To hate your job and not have an alternative is terrible. My biggest mistake was to give up my job. It now means that I focus on all the silly things and blow them out of proportion. I believe that one of society's biggest mistakes is not viewing being a housewife as a job. It would be so much easier and more gratifying if we actually received the recognition of a job well done at home as you would in a paid job. I think that is a big part of the problem.
ReplyDeleteI am now studying to redirect my life and start my own little project. No, I don't want to compete with my husband, I just want something that is mine that gives me satisfaction and makes me feel like I am contributing, even in a small way, to the family income.
By the way, I really like your blog. It makes me hungry as I am on a permanent diet but I will definitely be trying your chocolate cake recipe it looks amazing :) Cooking is something I really enjoy, but dieting and cooking are not compatible LOL! My husband actually complained the other day that I don't cook him yummy food any more - he's always complaining he's put on weight!!! But for me, food is my love and my downfall. I have to be so careful it isn't fun. I know no limits, I can never have just a square or two of chocolate, I end up eating the whole bar and then feel terrible afterwards for what I have done. Not good.
So, I am trying to get my degree as soon as possible and hope that that way I can take my mind off the petty things gnawing at me and focus on something positive instead.
Where I live, it's a different culture, neighbors don't talk to one another unless there is a problem, and they certainly don't do things together. I find it very sad and difficult. Here, people don't even talk to each other at the gym! However, I did recently join a club, which is only populated by women although men are not excluded. It is to bring people together who are living in a new place so they can get to know people. I am hoping that that will help me to find new friends who are in the same situation as me, as in, at home, not working or with a flexible timetable to be able to do things. So far so good. I will keep my fingers crossed.
BTW, it is so easy to be anonymous on the web, you can have your own "let it rip" place too ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry for the delay. I need this blog to tell me when there's a new comment. So, what are you studying? Is it formal study (school) or something on your own? And what job did you have before? Did you love it? If you could do anything, what would you do? I think I'd make cakes - even though I don't even come close to comparing to the professionals. I love to make things that taste good.
ReplyDeleteWell, I am studying nutrition so I totally understand your "thing" with food! I am a total foodie :) And if it's cake then even better. There is also big business in good home made imaginative cakes for birthday parties, so a really good business to go for! I love to cook for people and watch them enjoy what I make - it's very satisfying :)
ReplyDeleteI used to work for a big corporation as a PA, it was ok. I didn't love but also have to admit that it did "save" me from my first marriage. Having a place to go where I was respected and a valued member of a team made me realize that I wasn't as stupid as my ex-husband tried to make out. So it gave me the strength and economic independence to get out. But after several take overs and mergers it wasn't quite the same and on one of those mergers they were offering really good payoffs. By this time I had met my second husband and we decided I should take it. Life had been very tough for me for years, even now I am still battling things out in court with my ex - he just can't move on!
It was a mistake from the point of view of becoming very lonely and missing the companionship of the job and actually getting the proverbial "pat on the back" every now and again. But I certainly don't miss the having to get up and into the office by a certain time or the strict amount of holiday time per year, etc or the monotony!!!
It's just not having people close by who live the same style of life that I do, as in housewives or people who work from home and can meet up for a coffee every now and again or lunch.
If I could do anything? Wow! That's a big one, LOL! My dream is to open a clinic where people can get effective and healthy help for their weight issues. Where they are understood and not made to feel bad because of their size. Where the emphasis is on health not on becoming a size 0.
I find it diabolical that even I, a size 6, get looked at as if I am a huge lump because I am not a size 0! Women were never meant to be stick insects, and if you ask men what they prefer - it's all about the curves! So I would like to help people who want to lose weight to be healthier and to help them to live healthier and illness free lives.