Obsessed

Well I know this is something most of my friends and certainly my husband would agree with... I am obsessed with my weight. I would though, first like to point out that according to my doctor I am perfectly within my weight limits - right smack bang in between my lowest advisable weight and my maximum advisable weight.

Right, now having stated that, here comes the rest! I would actually tend to agree with them that I am obsessed about MY weight. No one else's, just mine. I cook properly balanced, nutritious food for my family and then nibble on a piece of turkey. I have always had weight issues. I was a tubby child, but not overweight, I was never ridiculed or bullied about my weight at school but things got out of hand as I got older.

My weight has gone up and down all my life. Obviously when we are younger, we put on a bit of weight, watch what we eat for a couple of days and hey presto it's gone! Now, as we get older, shedding weight becomes more and more difficult - but not impossible. There have been periods in my life when I have been positively FAT, but now I am (according to the doc) at my perfect weight. So why am I obsessed?

Well, once you reach your perfect weight, you have to maintain it -

and that is the difficult part. There is no end to the food sacrifice, the cravings and the guilt trips when I do go off the rails. Obviously, when I do give in and have a splurge, no weight is gained because I limit it to one mealtime or, at worst, one day. So the "damage" can not be described as damage and is easily rectified.

My major problem is that I think my body has become so accustomed to fairly uneventful food such as chicken, turkey, fruit, etc that when I do go over the top I suffer terribly.

However, one of the good points is that my life has become pain free. I used to suffer from unidentifiable pains in my abdomen, also lots of gas, headaches and joint pains. Since changing my diet they have all gone away, and curiously only co

me back when I go off the diet.

Down points? I spend my days wondering when I will allow myself a treat of some chocolate. Or yearning for carb day when I can eat some carbs (only allowed twice a week), and trying to ignore the little voice in my head saying, "Go on! You deserve it!" and its probably right, but it's there EVERY day not just every now and again.

Am I happy? Well happier than when I was fatter, but my worry is such that I don't enjoy it as much as I should. I am constantly wondering if my clothes are feeling tighter today, or if I ate too much the day before. BUT, breaking the diet definitely makes me feel loads worse.

What is the point?

I find myself, as you will know from this blog, at a problematic time in my life. My inability to actually pull myself together is really beginning to bug me. I feel excluded, as I am sure many people do. I am stuck at home with the kids while my husband is off having loads of fun with his job. And yes, I do know he works very hard, but he loves his job and has a great time while he does it. And yes, he's very considerate and loves me very much. But all I get is the exhausted husband who's too tired to get out of bed when he's home, and too exhausted to be any fun in bed either! There's a shocker for you!

So when I hear about him organizing parties (all in the name of work) and having a great time meeting very interesting people I cannot help myself and feel jealous. We never go to parties when he's home, and wouldn't dream of going out to a club, he's always too tired. So I think, right there is nothing stopping me having a good time while he's away and he certainly wouldn't dream of stopping me having fun, but who with? All my friends are married with kids and work full time, none of them would want to go out and have fun as they are all happy at home with their spouses and offspring. I just don't know anyone who's single and would go out. There is no way I would ever consider going out on my own, I am certainly not looking to meet anyone who might get the wrong idea, and let's face it, it is neither fun or understood to go out on my own.

So what should I do? How can I change my life in order to find the right kind of people to widen my circle of friends with other women who's husbands also travel a lot and they too are bored at home with the kids? I don't necessarily want to go out to clubs and dance the night away, but a nice friendly dinner with intelligent conversation or a trip to the movies or a show would be nice every now and again.

It seems to me that in this age of social networking sites and all the other stuff there is out there, even this blog, gets me absolutely nowhere. No one ever comments on my posts to let me know they agree or disagree with me. My twitter is a total flop. Yes I have fun on Facebook, but all my friends on it live in different countries not just different cities! So as you can see, things are pretty difficult when it comes to socializing. I also live in a residential area where everyone hides behind their fences and no one speaks to anyone else. The only person I have regular contact with who is a neighbor is a woman who used to work for my Dad and lives just up the road! But even she is busy with her elderly mother in a nursing home nearby and her husband in the evenings.

Just to see what would happen, I posted on twitter that I was going off-line for good and thanked all my followers for putting up with my boring posts. The only response I got was from my husband asking me what had happened.

Well what has happened is, I can't really see the point in it. No one answers my posts anyway. And I just feel like I'm having my nose rubbed in it when I get to read all my husband's numerous posts about all the fun he's planning for his next event in Colombia or Mexico.

On top of it all, we will be launching Phase IV of the building work to be done on our house. So not only do I get to be here alone with the kids but I get a house full of Rumanian builders and more dust then anyone can humanly cope with - especially with my allergies.

So yes, I am complaining, I feel as if I don't exist. I feel lonely.

Being 40 Something

I have a life I can not complain about. I have a wonderful and loving husband, two beautiful kids and a very comfortable life. It hasn't always been that way. In fact, it used to be a totally different story.

My first husband... let's not talk about him :)

By the time I met my second and truly wonderful husband, I was in my mid thirties. Having worked all my life and spent most of it as a single mother too, I was suddenly presented with the opportunity to take my foot off the accelerator for a while. I used to be a secretary, so definitely not a high-flying ambitious business woman juggling meetings, trips and children, just little me earning a decent wage and making ends meet. My husband and I agreed that I needed some time off and my company was reducing its employees so I decided to volunteer to leave. They were very good to me and I got a really good settlement. I decided to take several months off before hunting for another job.

I was quite stressed out and decided to focus on my daughter and my new husband and myself for a while. However, during my time off I became pregnant with my son, so I decided to enjoy my pregnancy without the pressure of work, then my son was born and how could I possibly go back to work with a tiny baby at home? So, there you have it, 3 and a half years later I work part time from home and find myself basically - well, lost.

Are our lives really so defined by our jobs? My husband's is - but then it's his company, if he doesn't work it no one else will!

When I stopped working I thought, wow, life's great no pressure to get to work by a certain time, no boss standing over me, no rush hour traffic. And it is great for a while and then the grey matter kicks in from lack of stimuli and I find myself wondering if I should at least try and go back to work on a full-time basis? There are over 400,000 unemployed in this country so there must be secretaries by the dozen looking for jobs, and then there are the kids, and my husband who would love me to travel with him as often as possible.

I admit that it isn't out of monetary need. It is a case of having a purpose and direction in life, something that is mine, where I am me and not belonging to the kids! Yes children often feel their parents belong to them and are there to do everything for them and when they want it. But to be honest, I need something for me.

I recently turned 40 and suddenly started questioning lots of things in my life. One of them is the direction I am going in. I would love to have something to do that is mine, that enthuses me and gives me satisfaction. With all the opportunities for communication that we have nowadays at our fingertips, I would love to be able to put those opportunities to good use.

I started this blog as an experiment and so far I feel it is a total flop. I don't know if anyone has even read it and no one has ever left a comment. It would be nice to know, so if there is anyone out there reading this and find something akin in it to their own feelings, then please, let me know - it would be lovely.